Oh what tangled webs the Jersey Shore kids weave. This one's slapping that one, that one's smooshing this one, and Snooki can't get no respect. She's the Rodney Dangerfield of reality TV! Last week, we left off with Angelina ruining Pauly D.'s fun down in Miami. Tonight, we picked up right where we left off--with her slapping him in the face.
All the commotion roused JWOWW, who wandered outside to investigate. When Mike told her that Angelina slapped Pauly three times, Angelina looked incredulous and denied laying a hand on him. "Um sthandinggg herrr bymyself," she slurred, drunkenly teetering in her high heels.
JWOWW was surprisingly calm about the whole ordeal and simply ushered Pauly inside, telling Angelina they'd talk about it in the morning. I thought for sure she'd take the opportunity to practice her combos on Angelina's throat. Why is JWOWW being so boring?
The next day, JW, Vinny and Ronnie had their first day of work at the gelato shop. They had to wear matching black t-shirts that "suffocated" JW's "girls." Girls = comically ginormous breasts. While everyone else was already over it, Vinny enjoyed his time on the clock, brushing up on his high school Italian with shop owner Enzo and building the perfect hoagie.
When Angelina finally woke up, she couldn't understand why everyone seemed so mad at her. Finally, Mike told her that she was "taking mad sh-t" and physically assaulted Pauly. She went to Pauly to apologize.
"I was like, really really really drunk, because I'm not comfortable here," she said. Pauly accepted her apology, but said he wouldn't be hanging out with her anymore because "your fun conflicts with our fun." This bummed Angelina out.
"I didn't know being drunk and people making mistakes was that bad," she said. I can see how Angelina felt misguided here, seeing as being drunk and making mistakes is the basic premise of the show she stars on, but she made the wrong kind of mistake. If she had mistakenly peed in a closet instead, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
So, Vinny has hair; "thick Sicilian hair," and he hadn't had it cut since he'd migrated to Miami and needed a good tape up and fade ASAP. But he had to be careful! Because his hair is his calling card. Not any old barber can cut it. THIS WAS SERIOUS. But, Vinny explained, "if someone can cut a black person's hair, they can usually cut my hair." So he and Ronnie found a spot and nervously went under the clippers. Then...hallelujah! (Literally, MTV dubbed "Hallelujah" in the background.) Their heads looked as dopey as ever.
Back at the house, Mike brought the group together, minus Angelina, to talk about how she's the outcast. Mike wanted JWOWW and Snooki to bond with Angelina and make her feel more comfortable in the house. The ladies were opposed, unless Angelina "manned up" about spreading rumors about them back home.
To hit the clubs that night, Snooki was rocking "the old Snook Look," which meant she was wearing some sort of animal print and sporting the poof. Vinny thought she looked hot and told her as much. "You tryin' smoosh right now?" Snooki asked him flirtatiously.
At the bar, Vinny continued to gawk at his female roommates. "Jennie's t-ts defy gravity...Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and rework them around Jennie's t-ts," he said. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Someone on Jersey Shore knows who Albert Einstein is?
Everyone was dancing and having a good time, except for Angelina who was sulking in the corner. Finally, Snooki pulled her aside and explained that she understood what Angelina was going through, because she too had been an outcast in the first season after she got wasted and fell down a couple of measly stairs and couldn't figure out to use that danged duck phone. Snooki told Angelina to just admit her mistakes so they could all move on. So she did. Angelina admitted to talking "mad sh-t" about Snooki and JWOWW. "Whatever you heard I said," she told them, "I probably said it." The truth has set Angelina free. Hallelujah!
With that drama sorted out, it was about time that Ronnie and Sammi had another fight. Earlier in the episode, it seemed like Ronnie was coming around to the idea of "working on things" with his ex. But then he got "face-wasted" at the clurb and started yelling at Sammi. "You're a f--king b--ch, go home! Go!"
So she went, and he stayed and got all grindy on some trashy Miami tail and Snooki saw it all go down. She confronted Ronnie about it, and Ronnie responded by pushing her. But nobody pushes Snooks! The other guys jumped on Ron right away and pulled him out of the club to bring him home.
Back home, Ronnie stumbled around before getting into bed with Sammi and lovingly whispering in her ear, "Can I smoosh you, please?"
Snooki was also drunk and wanted to call her boyfriend. Vinny was lying on the bean bag by the phone, so she just plunked down on top of him and dialed. We learned from Emilio on the other end of the line that was 6 o'clock in the morning. Snooki had the hiccups so she didn't say much, and ended up knocking over the table with the phone and a lamp and other miscellaneous items on it. This woke up Vinny, also drunk, who helped her pick everything up, burping along the way.
So there was Snooki with the hiccups and Vinny with the burps (it was a veritable cornucopia of body gases), and their stumbling through the house together towards Vinny's bed. "Just stay with me, we're good," Vinny said before they finally passed out together. Next to each other. But not on top of each other.
But when Vinny woke up he wasn't sure! "Did I bang Snooki last night? Did I do the unthinkable?" No.
The next night, Mike, Pauly and Vinny wanted to have a guys night and geeked out over the fact that the first letter of each of their names is "MVP." MVP! MVP! They kept shouting it. But then Angelina wanted to tag along, too. "It's not MVPA," Pauly explained. But she was determined, so the guys waited until she was looking the other way and ran out.
When they got to the bar, Vinny decided it was filled with grenades, "like the Bronx Zoo." But, "Mike and Pauly would take home a stray dog if there were no girls left," so they made due with what they had and brought a bunch of girls back to the house for a dip in the hot tub.
I'll let Mike explain what happened next: "At one particularly point, I'm in the jacuzzi and I put water on my face and I'm like ::gasp:: we've got grenades man! We're at the zoo!"
Mike panicked and looked to his pal Pauly for some help, but "one the hyenas hypnotized him."
Finally, all the guys were knocked out of their drunken grenade stupor when Vinny spotted something floating around the hot tub. It was one of their ladyfriends' bra inserts, or "chicken cutlets" as their known on the streets. They tossed it out of the tub and it landed on the concrete like a dead fish. Night over.
When it was Snooki's turn to go to work, she discovered that not only can she not see over the counter, but she can't even reach the ice creams in the freezer because she's so short. She needed a stool. The only thing that perked up her day was a ride on a giant dog statue outside the shop. Mike propped her up and she threw a leg over it. "It hurts my vagina," she whined. So Mike went to help her down. "No," she protested. "I like it."
And finally, back to Sammi and Ronnie. When they worked together, Ronnie was bored so he decided to call Sammi his "girlfriend." This made her think that she was his girlfriend. Go figure! So later, when she announced that she didn't want to go out, she thought Ronnie would stay in and cuddle with her. He obviously went out with the guys instead and started creeping on other chicks.
Snooki and JWOWW are starting to feel really bad about this, because it has clearly becoming a pattern: Ronnie goes out, gets drunk, rubs up against some strange at the club, then comes home and infects Sammi with it. It's a dirty cycle and Snooki and JWOWW want to put an end it.
But what will they do? Well, it looks like next week they're going to type up an anonymous note and send it to Sammi. Here's hoping spellcheck doesn't autocorrect "syphilis
